Friday, May 15, 2009

V-Day - May 14th, 2009

May 14th, 2009. This day will live in infamy. This is the day I brought down google.

Children of today, and our children's children, will be able to look back at this day as the beginning of the end for our Search Engine dictator. They will be able to see our people stand up against the tyranny of adsense, of youtube, and of blogspot (please don't shut down this blog). Who can forget such scathing comments as aleeahmc's tweet earlier today:

#googlefail was a big problem yesterday. I hope it doesn't happen very often in the future or we will need to take our business elsewhere.

This day was the day that Minion Dru Dylan Johnston stood up against the machine, the day that the small man took over the large corporation, the day that david beat goliath.

And how did it happen? Let me tell you, oh curious one: Dru Johnston got online and tried to google Miss California... google did not respond... it had crashed... I can only assume it was because I tried to google Miss California one too many times that it could handle, found it's weak little womp rat death star weak point, took aim and fired, destroying this death star of search engines.

It had to me... it had to be my search that killed Google... it's the only way this ending is poetic.

Previous foiled attempts to take down google

  • I tried to google the word "google" thinking there would be some sort of Back to the Future anomaly and google, and the universe as we know it, would cease to exist. Instead I just found a link to Google. Failure.

  • In order to overwhelm it I tried to search for something new every minute for a day... apparently it can handle this...

  • I wrote them a firmly worded email.

  • I organized a group boycott of google... but then I realized I did this through gmail.

  • In order to avoid the above happening again, I organized a boycott of the internet in general. But I would foolishly keep checking my google reader for updates on how it was doing

  • I decided I would only use alta-vista for my search queries... that lasted a week

  • I opened my computer's browser window to google and then blew up my computer

  • I tried to set google up with a girl who I knew would be trouble

  • I gave google a copy of the movie the ring, hoping it would kill it

How it began, why Google became my nemesis

Every hero has a genesis story. Batman's parents were killed and he vowed to clean up the city of the same crime that destroyed his family. Spiderman's uncle was killed and he vowed to use his power for good. Captain America became a super soldier because he wanted to protect the country he loved... and his elders were probably killed at some point... I'm not sure.

This story is no different. Google killed my parents. So I vowed to seek vengeance on the search engine that tore my family apart. How did that happen? The details are shady... all I know is that I found this note at the crime scene (i.e. our computer room):

I vowed there and then that I would take down Google... if just for a single hour.

Thursday, May 14th... my victory

For the last four years I have lived for one goal... to bring down that behemoth known as Google. Yesterday, Thursday May 14th, I acheived that goal for roughly an hour. Nothing is so sweet as the sweet smell of victory, and nothing adds to that sweetness knowing that I, Dru Dylan Johnston, brought down Google.

In this blog I plan to explain to all of you in detail my masterplan how I took down that behemoth known as google, as well as my several failed attempts. I will not lie to you that there were times when I felt I was Wile E. Coyote and Google was my infernal Road Runner... always three steps ahead of me... never catching my bait.

My battle with Google has been epic... we have been nemeses for what seems four life times. On par with Superman and Lex Luthor, Jean Valjean and Javert, Ren and Reverend Shaw, the battle between Dru D. Johnston and the beast known as Google will live for ever. And this graph will be seared into the brains of children all across the country:

KNOW THAT YESTERDAY WAS V-DAY! And I can measure my success simply by looking at the angered masses under the clutch of Google! THIS TWEET SHOWS I WAS VICTORIOUS:

#googlefail was a big problem yesterday. I hope it doesn't happen very often in the future or we will need to take our business elsewhere.